Capitol Hill Humor
There is a story about a man who shows his friend through his new house. “This is the living room, here is the dining room. This is the Florida room,” he says, “and that is my wife” and there she is sitting on the love seat just kissing up a storm with another man. And they go on into the kitchen and sit down and the host pours his guest a cup of coffee and then he pours himself a cup of coffee. And the guest cannot stand it any longer and he says, “What about the guy in the Florida room?” And the host says, “Let him get his own coffee.”
Rep. Andrew Jacobs, Jr. (D-Ind.)
June 27, 1984
MR. STEVENS. Now, God forbid that anyone will ever tell me that the city of Washington is my home; it is not. I detest it. I really do. I cannot think of another place to have a nation’s capital in the world that is a worse place to live. The air compared to my state is abominable. We shorten our life spans by coming to this town. As far as I’m concerned, I know of no town — no town — that has a worse crime standard, a worse set of schools, a worse circumstance to live in and work than the city of Washington.
I do not care who knows it. I will tell everybody.
MR. DOLE. The Senator already did.
Sens. Ted Stevens (D-Alaska) and Robert Dole (R-Kan.)
March 30, 1982
The story was about this Baptist Deacon, and you know how we Baptists feel abut horse racing. He sneaked off with all the money he could spare to the racetrack. He didn’t know very much about the horses, but he looked around, and there was a Catholic priest standing by a horse. He thought, well, that horse must be all right. It was number 17.
So he put all of his money on number 17 because of the priest, and he just knew that horse had to be all right.
The horse came in last. The Baptist went over to the Catholic priest and he said, “Say, you caused me to lose every dollar I brought out here.”
The priest said, “Why are you blaming me for your bad betting practices?”
He said, “I saw you give number 17 your blessing.”
The priest said, “That is the trouble with you Baptists. You don’t know the difference between a blessing and the last rites.”
Rep. Brooks Hays (D-Ark.)
May 19, 1977
Mr. President, I am not responsible for the seats in the Senate Chamber not being filled. I am reminded of the preacher, who, after preaching a while, said to one of the ushers, “Wake Brother Brown up.” The usher replied, “Wake him up yourself; you put him to sleep.”
Sen. Josh Lee (D-Okla.)
June 23, 1939
From Will the Gentleman Yield? © 1987 by Bill Hogan and Mike Hill. Published by Ten Speed Press.
This article originally appeared in the January 1988 issue of Regardie’s.
Bill Hogan